Our family just returned from a vacation. In the past, vacations have always been a time to rest and relax. Get in a little exercise. However, this time it turned out to be very different and an eye-opener. It made me realize that I have crossed over. Over the hill, that is.
Having not been a youngster for quite some time I know that even my middle-age years are in my past. I think I might now be a senior citizen since I am in the final third of my life. Unless I live to be 100. And knowing my eating and workout habits, I’m betting against that.
The first indication was at the airport. Even though I did not have any metal on me I set off the alarm. Turns out it was my recent knee replacement. I no longer may pass through the typical scanner. I must go into the booth, stand on the two yellow feet on the floor, and raise my hands above my head so I may be x-ray’d (or microwaved, or something). I feel like a fresh prisoner about to get hosed down.
Even this did not go well. The scanning booth also turned up some metal on me that was not in my knee. It was one joint higher up. Use your imagination. The result of the scan showed a metal object between my right pocket and my zipper. A flashback came to me of the scanning scene in the movie Spinal Tap where the bass guitarist got caught with an aluminum foil wrapped cucumber in his pants.
The TSA agent then pulled me aside. He stated “Sir, I am going to perform a hand check on you. I will be using the back of my hands only” as he put surgical gloves on. “Do you wish to have a private room?” My first thought was to ask him how much extra it was.
After confidently stating “No, I don’t need a private room!” I looked up to see my son standing there, watching me get a backhand job. “Daddy, are you okay?” he asked. I replied “Yes, Daddy’s just having some fun.” I immediately realized how awkward that reply sounded. Especially when the agent asked me to turn my head and cough.
After arriving in Florida, my family drove to our destination, a condo is located in a “55+ Community”. AND I LOVED IT!!! Sure, someone will admonish you if you walk on the wrong side of the road (it actually happened to my friend) and you have to shower with soap before entering the pool (I don’t even do that at home). But all-in-all the people are very friendly.
Sometimes too friendly. A woman who was elderly even for that community asked me to help her load a cushioned chair into her car. “Sure!” I said. As I attempted to lift it I was astounded at how heavy it was. “It’s an electric chair” she explained. Electricity must weigh a lot in Florida because that chair ran about 100 pounds. Like rings on a tree stump, the chair must have gained a pound for each year of the woman. I think my knee replacement compressed like a hamburger patty.
Another time we were driving through the community when I blurted out “Gosh, the plants around here are beautiful!” That’s when I threw in the towel on maintaining any thought that I was still youthful. Or maybe I was sucked into the aging vortex of the community. Cripes, why don’t I just start talking about adult undergarments, describing my meds, and yelling at kids? Okay, I admit I already do two of those three. Usually when I drop a med down my undergarment.
At the pool I quickly grew tired of swimming while playing with my son. I was so happy when one of those “young” fathers showed up to play with the kids for a while. I think he was around 45. I DID have to remind him to shower with soap, though. Don’t think you youngsters are getting away with anything when I’m around!
Nowadays I find myself asking for discounts at stores while whipping out my AARP card. I find it more enjoyable to go to museums than the beach. I am constantly looking for park benches where I can rest.
And some people think I’m losing my zest for life!
