This past week a long, dragged out, personal war with Wal-Mart finally ended. And I won! Here’s my long, dragged out, personal story…
THE BACKGROUND
Here is what set off this string of events that changes lives forever:
Off of our second floor laundry room is a porch. When we purchased the house there were clothes lines strung between two pieces of wood that were nailed into the porch posts. Over the years carpenter bees bored into the wood, laid their eggs, and came back each year to repeat the process. Much like me going to McDonald’s every week. (To be clear, I order food each time. I don’t lay any eggs.)
Now, for those of you not familiar with carpenter bees, they are disgusting. They eat the wood and spit it out of the hole they are boring. They also don’t bother to find a bathroom while they work so THAT comes out of the holes, too. Soon, there is a pile of sawdust and gunk on the porch windows, walls and floor. For example:
Not wanting the bees to come back again, I decided to replace the wooden boards with PVC pipe. The former owner of our house had done one smart thing. Instead of using standard clothesline he used electric wire wrapped in plastic. This was stronger and stood up to the outdoor weather much better.
I decided to take the same path. I measured how much electric wire I would need to cover the five clothes lines. It was about 80 feet.
So I put on my best t-shirt, sweat pants, white socks and sandals and trucked on down to the Albion Wal-Mart. They did not have the PVC pipe I needed but they did have electric wire. They came in 50′ packages so I bought four of them. The Southwire 50′ 1402 NMW/G Sire 28827429, of course. Note: Always go with the NMW/G – for obvious reasons.
I had very little trouble putting up the PVC pipes and drilling the holes for the wire. I figured this would be a piece of cake running the electric wire through the holes and snipping it to length. Wrong!
The wire in each package was rolled into a circle. As I was about to open the first package I noticed that the wire looked okay when viewing the package from the top. However, it was obvious that the wire would not work when I looked from the side as it was twice as wide as it was thick. If I’m not painting a clear picture with my words then you can view the picture at the end of this article.
Now, doing what any husband would do, I grabbed the four packages of wire, put them back in the Wal-Mart bag, took them out to the garage, put them in a pile on my workbench, grabbed a can of pop and sat front of the tv for a while. Like four weeks. Sometimes the gods are telling you to slow down. Just look for the signs.
THE CONFRONTATION
About a month later I decided to return the wire. Again, being a husband I didn’t bother keeping the receipt. (Who ever needs a receipt???) So I went online to check Wal-Mart’s return policy. Here it is:
How to Return an Item You Bought in a Store
Here’s how easy it is to return your item to a Wal-Mart store:
- Bring the item you wish to return to the Customer Service desk.
- Be sure to also bring all original packing materials and accessories.
- If available, bring the receipt that came with the item.
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Within 90 days of purchase |
Within 15 days of purchase |
 We accept most returnsWalmart Storewithin 90 days after purchase. To see the full list of departments and exceptions, visit the full list at Wal-Mart Stores Return Policy Returning a Sam’s Club item? For the Sam’s Club Returns Policy, please visit SamsClub.com |
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No receipt? No problem, you have few choices:
- You’ll have the option of a cash refund (if the purchase was under $25)
- A Gift Card for the amount of the purchase (if $25 or over) or
- An even exchange for the product
- As applicable, we follow any manufacturer’s warranties
And here is the link: Wal-Mart’s Return Policy. I then knew I was okay. Just take the four packages back and get gift cards. No biggie.
So, whistling a happy tune, one thumb tucked into my t-shirt collar, the strings from my sweatpants swaying in the wind, I go strolling up to Wal-Mart’s Customer Service counter.
I had never been to the Wal-Mart Customer Service before. I had heard stories: only one register open, waiting in line for hours while the person in front of you returned a just-purchased 85″ plasma television and demanding cash back, a second line opens while you are looking around and the lady behind you with her three shopping carts of returns (and the most touchy, snot-running kids in tow) jumps to the newly opened register. I discovered these were not urban myths but true events. I longed for the DMV.
When I finally got up to the register I was handled by the manager herself. I put the four packages on the counter and announced “I am returning these, and I don’t have my receipt.”
“Okay, I’ll just need your driver’s license” the manager said so I handed it to her. Then I leaned on the counter and swung around, looking smugly at the others in line behind me. “See?” I thought to myself, “This is how it’s done, people.”
The smug looked quickly disappeared when the manager, let’s call her PITA from this point on, told me “Sorry, you cannot return these.”
When I asked why PITA replied “Because your returns total over $50 and you don’t have your receipt.”
“Umm, I checked Wal-Mart’s return policy online and it said I can return items without a receipt and get a gift card.” I informed her.
“Umm, not here. Store policy says you need your receipt for any returns over $50”.
So I said “Okay, then let me return just one” which had a price of about $28.
“No, we can’t do that” said PITA.
“Why not? It’s under $50!”
“Because you already tried returning four.”
“You’re kidding me. Okay, what if I go out, put three back in my car and return with just one package?” I asked.
“No, because I already know you tried to return four.”
So I grabbed my four packages and stomped out. I got halfway to the door when I decided “No! This isn’t over!”
I marched back into Customer Service but PITA was gone, assumedly to high-five her coworkers for putting another stupid customer in his place. So I asked the attendant if I could have a copy of the store’s return policy. She said sure, but she would have to print one off in the office. Okay, fine, I’ll wait. And off she went.
I waited. And waited. And waited some more. I noticed a security camera and all I could imagine was that the attendant and PITA were in the back office watching me stew this whole time and laughing at me. I know I would. So I left, but I consoled myself knowing they would now have a copy of their store return policy printed off and no one to give it to. Hah!
I got home and explained my ordeal to my wife. First, she gave me the same look I give her when she asks me how the television remote works. Then, showing the compassion and empathy that comes from 35+ years of marriage, she said “You’re flagged. And now I’m probably flagged, too. There go all of my Wal-Mart shopping privileges.”
THE TIDE TURNS
I spent the next couple of weeks in front of the tv drinking pop, stewing over my dilemma. I’m a nice guy, I did nothing wrong. Why is this happening to me? It shouldn’t have. But it did.
I decided to go back and try again. Maybe PITA wouldn’t be there.
When I returned to Wal-Mart I brought only two of the four wire packages. I figured I would double down if things went my way. I sure wasn’t going to be an idiot and take all four again. Lesson learned!
I turned into Customer Service and PITA was nowhere to be seen. YES! I put one package on the counter and announced I was returning it. I held the second package behind my back to avoid suspicion, much like a robber hides a gun behind his back when approaching a Customer Service counter.
The attendant took the package along with my driver’s license. She then gave me a gift card for the one wire! I had it. Like Charlie’s Golden Ticket, I really did have it!
So, pushing my luck, I asked “Can I return this one, too?” and put the second package on the counter. She said “Sure” and started ringing it up.
“Hmm, something’s wrong” she said. “It won’t take it. SALLY!” she called out to another attendant. “The system won’t take this package.”
Sally came over to see what the problem was. Sally said “Oh, there’s a note. It says that four wire packages were returned.” PITA had left her mark in the system.
I said “No, I only returned the one.” And the attendant backed me up.
Sally said “Just a minute, I’ll call the manager at home.”
Sweat began dripping from my forehead. My hands started shaking. I felt faint. If they got PITA on the phone then the jig was up. And I would probably have to return the gift card. I can’t let that happen!
Thinking quickly, I said “NO! Don’t bother. I’m in a hurry.” I grabbed the second package and my gift card, sneaked past the Wal-Mart greeter at the door, got into my car and locked the door. I was safe! One return down, three to go.
THE BATTLE OF NIAGARA FALLS
The next day the second package was still in my car when I went to work in Niagara Falls. I decided to try returning it at the Niagara Falls Wal-Mart during lunch. After all, they wouldn’t know my Wal-Mart situation from back home. And just to play it safe and make me more believable, I’ll bring the gift card I had received the day before.
When I got to the Customer Service register I gave the package and, of course, the dreaded driver’s license to the attendant. She informed me that I could only receive a gift card because I did not have my receipt. I reluctantly said, “Oh, okayyyy.”
She started the transaction but soon had problems. The attendant then said to her manager “Look at this”. “Stay calm”, I told myself. “You already survived this scenario once.”
The manager looked at the register. She told me the Albion store is reporting that someone using my driver’s license tried to return four packages. I explained “Well, I live out there but they accepted one of my packages yesterday. And here it is.” I showed the manager my gift card along with its receipt.
The manager looked at it and said “Yes, this is the gift card from Albion. It looks like someone is using your driver’s license to return items. We’ll accept this return, too, but if I were you I’d make sure I got over to Albion and straighten it out.”
“Oh, boy, I better do that!” I replied meekly. “Thank you!” I walked out and, being that time of the week, I treated myself to McDonald’s. Two down, two to go.
DON’T COUNT ON FAMILY
That night I thought about my next move. I was thinking of ways to get around the system. Just as the velociraptors tested the electric security fence in Jurassic Park, I was testing Wal-Mart’s security system for electric wire returns.
I decided I would seek the help of a female in the family. Not only is a shopping center their home base, females are considered more trustworthy when it comes to returned items. That’s according to “Man’s World Monthly” magazine. (There is a lot of good articles in that magazine that back up my viewpoints. Subscribe today!)
My wife made it quite clear that she did not want to be involved. So, I went to a family member that looked trustworthy and is always willing to help anyone out. To protect her identity we’ll call her “olly uohey”.
When I asked olly to return the two remaining items for me she said “Sure! I just go in there and they always take my stuff. No problems whatsoever!” Perfect, perfect…
I only had one package at the time so I gave it to olly. I went home and waited. And waited. And waited. Finally, we visited her and her husband “raig” (not his real name). olly said she was too afraid to try. She had returns coming up from some showers and weddings (or some crap, I stopped listening at this point), and she didn’t want to lose her Wal-Mart shopping privileges. She was very happy to give the package back to me.
RETURNING TO THE SCENE OF THE CRIME
Several more weeks went by. No one would help me and I felt like I was being watched. I was sure that every person walking by our house in their pajamas, t-shirt, sweat pants, or white socks and sandals was a Wal-Mart undercover employee just scoping me out.
Finally, I decided to take the bull by the horns. I grabbed the third wire package and drove off for Wal-Mart. I could not find the fourth package. Like matching socks in the dryer, one had disappeared.
I marched into Customer Service not knowing what to expect. Anything could happen. My heart quickened, my pulse raced. My senses were heightened to a point I could smell colors. (Note: if that ever happens to you, stay away from anything brown.)
There was only the attendant and me. I gave her the package and (all together now) my driver’s license. She ran it through, gave me my gift card, and I was off. Apparently, somebody had hacked into Wal-Mart’s Troublesome Customer Database and cleaned out my account. Thanks, Anonymous!
Three down, one to go.
THE STING
The following week our family had to go to Wal-Mart so I decided to end this once and for all. I had found the fourth package hidden behind a pile of empty pop cans. While my wife and son went shopping I took off to Customer Service. But there, not 15 feet ahead of me in front of Customer Service, was PITA herself!
I quickly ducked by a magazine rack and coolly perused the latest Glamour magazine so as not to attract attention. Fortunately, there were no brown colors on the cover.
Did she see me? Will she follow me into Customer Service? Will she be the one handling me at the register again? Can’t we all just get along?
When PITA turned away I made my move. With any luck I would be in and out before she returned. Nope.
There were two people ahead of me. One was a lady who was returning an item and getting $3,000 to $4,000 back. Heaven knows what she had returned because it was already off the counter. I’m assuming five pallets of cat food and kitty litter.
There were problems with her credit cards so it took her quite some time. All the while I’m anticipating a tap on the shoulder from PITA, a grabbing of my arm, and an escort to the door.
Finally, a second register opened and the lady ahead of me jumped to it. I could tell she knew what she was doing because she turned around and smugly looked at those of us behind her. She was done in three minutes. Wal-Mart announced over the speaker that there was a new record for the quickest return. “That’s how it’s done, people!” The lady was given a prize: a two month old printout of the store’s return policy.
My turn. By now you know my MO. I was close. I was so close. I was Andy Dufresne crawling through those 500 yards of sewer pipe. Could I finish?
YES!
I got my gift card and receipt! It was done. The war was won!
I caught up to my wife and gave her the final gift card for her to use. She embraced me as only a proud wife could embrace her strong and resilient husband. We then grabbed our son and had a wonderful family hug. I thought I saw a tear in her eye. Yeah, right!
For the record, she originally suggested I give the four packages of electric wire to charity and be done with it. What a waste of time THAT would have been!
Most entertaining. And congrats on beating the system! You earn the award for System Beat with Greatest Effort and Over Longest Period of Time. But SO worth the end result story.
great……. only you