I take pride in my yard. I say “take pride”, others say “he’s obsessed”. Doesn’t everyone stencil their driveway or trim their lawn with nail clippers? Okay, I’m exaggerating, but not by much.
The problem is that the part of my lawn that needs the most help is the same part that is open to the public – the front yard. On weekends my front yard transforms into a stage where I put on a talent show. Neighbors, passers-by, bicyclists, truckers and motorcyclists are my audience, taking in my performance with enthusiasm, curiosity, and often pity.
Recently I spent a Saturday sprucing up the front lawn. What started out as a simple watering of the flowers led to pruning the flowers, which led to the bushes getting trimmed. The clippings then needed to be raked up so I did, then raked the leaves, which caused me to notice the dandelions and crabgrass, so these were weeded. The grass needed mowing after that, which led me to edge the sidewalk, which led to the sweeping of the sidewalk. Noticing cracks, I repaired them. And for fun I reseeded, fertilized and de-grubbed the front yard.
By the time Saturday evening arrived some people were filming my work. I’m not sure if it was for a do-it-yourself cable show or to give to my psychiatrist for evaluation.
Like many a live performance there were hecklers. Here are some of the examples:
- It was hot so I took off my shirt to mow the lawn. A pickup driving by stopped dead in its tracks. The driver rolled down the window and yelled “HEY! PUT A SHIRT ON. WE HAVE DECENCY LAWS IN THIS TOWN!!!” It was my wife.
- Neighbors on both sides of me have ‘For Sale’ signs in their yards. The realtor strolled over and told me “I know why the two houses next to your are not selling. It’s because YOU don’t have a ‘For Sale’ sign in front of yours.’” Ouch.
- Later in the afternoon the realtor sauntered over again and told me “We are having an open house next week. Can you stay inside that day?’” Double ouch.
- While picking weeds a pedestrian stopped and said “It’s a shame you had to grow up here.” I told him I this is a great town and I’m glad I’ve been here my whole life. He said “I was talking to the weed.” Soon, I had a few choice things to say to the weeds myself.
Those of us that do yard work on a busy street are always aware of which way we are facing when we need to bend over. There is no way to look glamorous hunched over with your backside to the street. And I sure don’t want to be the cause of the next Granny’s Fanny resurgence. Once was enough.
There comes a time when even the hardest worker needs a break. That is where my former neighbor would help. We had a pact: if either of us saw the other doing work we’d come over with a cold, adult beverage and put a stop to it. The next thing you knew, the sun would be setting, we were still laughing, and our yards were completely covered with empties.
Uh, oh, what’s that I see? My neighbor is talking to a weed control firm about maintaining his lawn? That’s cheating! Who does he think he is, Tom Brady? His grass is going to be smoother than Bruce Willis’s head on a frosty February morning!!!
I better get a cold, adult beverage and head over there…
